February 22, 2002: I was 18 and Dave was 24. From the outside, some thought our marriage was doomed from the start. I was young. Dave was divorced, a single dad, and a corpsman in the Navy (which meant deployments.) We fell in love over a long-distance phone conversation, went on our first date a month later, and married four months after that. Like I said…looked like a recipe for disaster…, but we knew God was at work and had brought us together.

Fast-forward 20 years………………..

February 22, 2022: We’ve been married for 20 years now! It’s hard to believe! Boy, has it flown by! Within those years have been many mountains and valleys. We’ve raised (are raising) six amazing kiddos. Dave honorably served our country for over 21 years. I established my career as an L&D nurse. We lost our unborn baby, Molly. Dave suffered through a season of debilitating pain. We’ve experienced unspeakable joy and devastating heartbreak. We know what it’s like to go through uncertain times and how to embrace the moments of smooth sailing. 20 years later and we still really love and like each other! So to celebrate our anniversary, we’ve spent some time reflecting on what we feel has made our marriage last. Without further ado, and in no particular order (except for #1), here’s our 20 Tips From 20 Years:

1. Super-Glue Your Marriage

Right from the start, Dave and I placed God in the center of our marriage. He is the super-glue that holds us together. It is because of God’s grace, wisdom, and direction that we can celebrate 20 years. Praying for one another, seeking him together, and serving him as husband and wife has kept our marriage strong.

2. Have Sex Often

I know, usually my blogs are rated-PG, but this needs to be said. God designed sex for a husband and wife to enjoy, so ENJOY IT! When, how often, and where are up to you. Every couple is different, but both spouses should be fulfilled. Remember: You are your spouse’s only sexual ”outlet.” What an awesome privilege to be able to provide for your mate in the most intimate ways. In today’s electronic society, you would never forget to recharge your phone. Don’t forget to recharge your marriage too! 🔌

Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control

1 Corinthians 7:5

3. Don’t Leave Your Husband In Bed Asleep During a Tornado Warning

If there is a tornado warning in the middle of the night, don’t assume your husband is coherent and being hardheaded by not getting up, especially if he’s not the stubborn type. It won’t go over very well when he wakes up and discovers you and all the kids are down in the basement, while you’ve basically left him for dead. He was probably just fast asleep and didn’t realize you were getting out of bed because of potential danger. On a bright note: It ended up just being a practice run. Next time I’ll make sure to bring him with me to the basement.

4. Protect Your Investment

Your marriage is an investment, and your spouse is worth more than any of your worldly possessions. Yet, we protect all of our other belongings: home insurance, car insurance, extended warranties, identity-theft protection…But what are you doing to protect your marriage? Dave and I have always made it a point to safe-guard ourselves from even the appearance of ”availability.” When it comes to the opposite sex we follow a set of agreed upon ”rules”: We maintain professional relationships. We never put ourselves in a situation where we are alone. We don’t share and discuss personal information, especially about our spouse or marriage. Your husband or your wife, is someone else’s “dream spouse.” Don’t put yourself in a situation where there could even be the appearance that you might be available.

I belong to my beloved, and my beloved belongs to me.

Song of Solomon 6:3…

5. Enlist a Microwave Fairy🧚

There is a Microwave Fairy that lives in our house; when I am not looking, he comes and wipes down the microwave (my most hated task.) Ok, so you get my point…Dave is the microwave fairy. He knows how much I despise cleaning it. The point is: Do the little things, the acts of service, for your spouse. Dave is great at this and his actions speak multitudes! When he picks me up from work, he brings me lattes. When I climb into bed, he has my heated blanket turned on; when I get in the car, he has already turned on my butt warmer (aka heated seats.) He is also always willing to buy me magnets, to add to my ever-growing collection, from all the places we have been. In return, I harass him. I put my cold feet on him under the covers and I shake up his sodas when he says something sassy. But I do take him out to dinner and the movies sometimes and I pay…with my debit card…that is linked to our joint checking account…Ok, so maybe I need to take my own advice and work on this. I do make him his favorite meals though. That’s got to count for something…right?

6. Date-Night Account 💵

Adulting is expensive, especially when you throw a few kids (or half a dozen) in the mix. Add in a house payment, gas, groceries, etc. and the budget can get a little tight. Dave and I have learned a secret that works for us and I’m going to let you in on it…Have a savings account solely for date nights. Designate $20, $30/month to transfer into the account. Then the next time you want to go out for dinner and a movie, make a withdrawal! Ta-dah! Guilt-free, pre-paid date night! 🍿🎬

7. Forget the Failures

I’m not perfect. Dave’s not perfect. We are just two imperfect people working and praying hard to make our marriage successful. So, when one of us fails, we show grace. We forgive quickly, sincerely, and completely. We allow each other to be in a bad mood, or have a bad day. We do our best to be patient with one another, showing kindness and grace.

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.

Ephesians 4:2

8. Simple Solutions

Dave is a neat, bottom-to-top toothpaste tube squeezer. I am a squeeze-from-the-middle, lose-the-lid, crusted-top, toothpaste kind of girl. After years of “subtle” sighs from Dave’s end of the sink, we finally came up with a solution…we each have own tube of toothpaste. Now, no more sink wars…I mean woes. The point: if there is a simple solution, find it, and put it into practice.

9. Learn the Lingo

Before Dave and I got married, we read Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages: How To Express Heartfelt Commitment To Your Mate. It is an-easy-to-put-into-practice kind of book. Reading it together really helped us identify how to convey our love to one another in a way each other would “hear” it. What speaks love to your spouse? Acts of service? Physical touch? Quality time? Words of affirmation? Gifts?

10. Be Corny

Dave and I have a special made-up word to say ”I love you…a lot.” I know it sounds corny, but that’s ok. We squeeze each other’s hand a certain amount of times to communicate other versions of ”I love you.” I know it sounds cheesy, but that’s ok. We hold hands and kiss in front of our kids. I know it sounds mushy, but that’s ok. Be corny. Be cheesy. Be mushy.

11. Packing on the Pounds

A few years ago, I was in the kitchen, probably making dinner. Dave was in the living room (picture an open floor concept). As I was going about my business I hear these words uttered from his lips, ”Wow! You’re really packing on the pounds for winter!” I don’t know if my head has EVER spun around faster! ”What did you just say?!” I accused. And there’s Dave, holding our very fat cat, with quite the kerfluffled look on his face. ”I was talking to the CAT! Promise!” Dave exclaimed. Moral of the story, if you’re going to make comments about weight, you better be holding the family cat as an alibi. (On a side note, Dave has NEVER made a comment about my weight, so I don’t know what possessed me to think he would have done it then.)

12. Trust and Transparency

A successful marriage is built on trust. I trust Dave completely and he trusts me. We don’t hide anything from each other (unless it’s Christmas time and then all rules go out the window!) Dave could pick up my phone anytime and browse through it, if he so desired, and I, vice versa. I, likewise, don’t conceal any purchases I make, and him, vice versa. For us, we have a joint checking/savings account. What’s his is mine and what’s mine is his.

13. Money Matters

Did you know finances are the leading cause of stress in a marriage? Admittedly, like most young people, Dave and I weren’t always the smartest with our money when we were first starting out. Since then we’ve learned less debt means less stress and we can live more generously. Now, we have been able to pass down words of financial wisdom to our kids and try to model how to be fiscally responsible and the freedom it brings.

14. Siri Sabotage

GPS: It’s a wonderful thing…usually. I don’t know about you, but I feel like ”she” sometimes purposely tries to create arguments between Dave and I. I’ll select a route and then she’ll try and change it during the most inconvenient intersections! She also likes to try and divert us (especially when driving the RV) through skinny roads and low overpasses. Needless to say, things can get a little heated during these moments when Dave is needing driving directions and I’m trying to preview our route. So to prevent this from ruining our day, whatever “tone” is used while the GPS is on, I let it roll off my back. Don’t let stress cause fights, especially if that stress’s name is Siri!

15. It’s Not About You

Despite popular opinion, marriage is not about making yourself happy; it’s about serving your spouse. When I am trying to be a submissive wife to Dave, and he is trying to be a loving husband to me, we both end up happy. Each of us ends up with our needs met and feeling loved by the other. Sometimes this means compromising, and that’s ok. Compromise is not a curse word! Be flexible!

16. Watch Your Words

One thing Dave and I put into practice right from the start was to speak kindly and graciously to each other. We lift each other up, offer words of encouragement, and are each other’s biggest cheerleaders. We never ridicule or put down our spouse, privately or publicly. When frustrations arise, which happens in the course of a 20 year marriage, we take a step back. I’m an inward processor; Dave is an outward processor. Dave has learned to give me some time to process my thoughts/frustrations and I have learned to lend a listening ear to his. On the rare occasion, we are too angry to talk, we’ve learned to bite our tongues. Sometimes we write down our feelings and sleep on them until the next day when we can calmly discuss our frustrations. Other times we’ve spent all night hashing out our feelings. Communication is key! Just remember, words are like toothpaste. Once they come out, you can’t put them back in.

17. Pray For One Another

Pray for your spouse and pray hard! No one else on this planet filled with over 7 billion people is daily praying for your husband or wife. That’s your job. When your spouse knows you are actively praying for them, it opens up a new level of intimacy, a greater level of trust, and creates a stronger marriage. Dave and I know that no matter what the time of day or what the issue, we can ask each other for prayer. How great to have a constant prayer partner to go through life with!

18. Don’t Use the Back Burner

Kids. Careers. Errands. Bills. Hobbies. Commitments. All these things demand our time, attention, and energy. It can be easy to lose focus on your marriage and your spouse. There have been plenty of times that after a day of chasing toddlers, I’ve have nothing left in the tank by the time Dave got home from work. There have been times after a full day at work that Dave practically collapsed on the couch. Don’t let life get in the way. Find the time. Make the effort to connect with your spouse. Don’t put your marriage on the back burner.

19. Have Fun!

Live your marriage as an adventure! No matter what the season, whether newlyweds, growing your family, or empty-nesters, enjoy it! Savor each moment! Make memories! Create traditions! Celebrate anniversaries, holidays, birthdays, and achievements.

20. Love Your Bride

Guys, this one is specifically for us. I (Dave) have heard a lot of conversations through the years concerning the sometimes controversial passage in the Bible, Ephesians 5:24, “Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.” This, however, is not the passage I want to discuss. The very next passage, Ephesians 5:25 says, ”Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” Christ did not dominate, manipulate, or bully the church to get his way, nor should we treat our wives as such. Next, I think most of us husbands would say without hesitation that we would be willing to sacrifice ourselves physically for our wives. But… would you be willing to sacrifice yourself emotionally? What does that look like for us? We should be willing to swallow our pride and apologize to make amends after a disagreement that has carried on too long, even if we feel we are right. Lead out in prayer especially when we don’t want or feel like it, because that is what our wives need. These are just a couple examples of what giving ourselves up for her looks like. Christ led with confidence, but he was a “Servant Leader” who put others first. He gave of himself freely and to his own detriment many times. He set the bar pretty high for how he loved the church and I can’t think of a better example of how we should love our wives!